FREE GYM #20 - A Gym for Masochists - Forest Hill

While on my way to rugby, I chanced upon a friendly high street gym 'Energie Fitness' by Forest Hill Station. What stayed with me most was the INSANITY workout videos blaring out on loop of every running machine. This high intensity fitness program (which basically means working out like a rabbit on speed for 60 days) shows pumped up ‘INSANITY’ converts shout out; “THIS ISN’T FOR EVERYBODY – BUT IF YOU’RE A MASOCHIST THEN JUST BRING IT” and features giant signs throughout saying “GET FIT OR GET OUT”.

You won't find me anywhere near this 'insane' regime, but it's evident that pain is popular. Their promotional video has over a million views on YouTube. Are you crazy enough for the INSANITY WORKOUT PROGRAM? I'm not.


Visit the Energie Fitness website for your one day free pass.

FREE GYM #19 - The home of the BEAST

This gym, situated in posh South Kensington is home to the nicest and most helpful receptionist I have ever encountered. She gave us a proper tour, happily accepted the free pass and most importantly, popped some free Lucozade energy sweets into our hands as we left. She even kindly explained the difference between a Fitness First 'Platinum' and 'Black' gym (information not readily available on the website) - the former having higher spec equipment. Thank you Bianca!

Menelek Waterton 'The Beast

They've packed a lot into this little gym. I went on a Sunday so would hate to see what it's like during peak hours. Don't be surprised if your knees are almost touching another guys elbow as you are doing your weights or if you have to wait a few seconds for a weight lifter to raise his arms before you can scuttle through to your next machine.

Please note the particularly hench man pictured on the left, who I refer to affectionately as 'THE BEAST' (whose name should always be capitalized to emphasize his size). After a few grunts and quiet snuffles, 'THE BEAST' would raise his weights and issue a blood curdling cry from his trunk like throat, much to the concern of everyone else in the room who paused to watch his noisy exhibition of strength.

While quietly getting on with my own exercise regime, I noticed a large shadow slowly descend over me. "Shit" I thought, I've taken 'THE BEAST'S' favourite bench press. But no, he only wanted to give me a few helpful pointers, becoming more BFG than 'BEAST'.

This time, I was also accompanied by my first 'co-free gym passer'. As we were leaving, happily chewing on our free Lucozade energy sweets she said "This free pass fitness idea - it's genius" to which I smiled in agreement."Thanks - it is". 

FREE GYM #18 - Gymbox - Covent Garden

Gymbox Covent Gardens is a sexy mix of cinema (imagine, giant glowing billboard, beckoning you in), Hollister (only extremely attractive model type people need apply as staff) and nightclub (there’s actually a DJ on at peak times between 6 and 8 blasting out the grooves from his booth above the treadmills – true story).

www.gymbox.co.uk

Don’t be fooled by the playful exterior (signs guarding the entrance to the sauna warn “No Chemicals, No Unsightly Towels, No Inflatable Dolphins”), or the PR (see image) this gym means serious business with row after row of gleaming gym and boxing equipment.

After striding purposely through a forest of punch bags, I strutted my way into the boxing ring dominating the main studio as the DJ, on cue, started to play ‘Can’t touch this’.  I felt good, professional even, until I realised I'd walked into ‘advanced Mai Thai’ class.

Sensing my fear, no one in the class volunteered to partner with me so a stocky girl was forced to spar with me by the instructor. She made me pay for this by beating the beshizzle out of me with ten sharp kicks to the left rib cage. As I winced in the most manly ways I know possible, she smiled a smile that said ‘You couldn't  bust a grape in a fruit fight’ and kicked me ten times more on the right rib cage. Thoroughly rattled, it was my turn. My revenge opportunity was short lived as the instructor, unimpressed with my weakling punches and kicks banished me out of the ring to train on my own. After ten minutes of one to one training, I was invited back in to show off my new found moves.

Everyone had gloves except for me. “Can I spar without gloves?” I asked timidly to the stocky girl. “No” she puffed in disgust, looking down at my gloveless hands as if I were naked at a children’s party. Told that I might find some gloves in one of the ringside lockers, I spied, deep in the darkest of corners, a smelly, damp pair of reject gloves, which squelched with sweat as I eased my hands in. Left hook, squelch, right jab squelch, upper cut squelch – great fun.

I came away from Gymbox with new skills - I now know Mai Thai is a lethal kicking and punching martial art - not a harmless cocktail; that one mustn’t bring dolphins into saunas; and damn it, it feels good to have your own DJ than a pair of tinny earphones.

                                                                             

If you like cinema, nightclubs, beating punch bags while pretending they’re people you hate and becoming buff like those topless models at Hollister  (and come on, who doesn’t) Gymbox is the gym for you!

Gymbox is currently offering free taster classes in any of its five London locations.