FREE GYM #21 - Zombie Gym - Virgin Active Tower Bridge

Virgin Active, Tower Bridge has everything you might expect from a standard Central London gym - a sauna, steam room, pool, friendly staff and plenty of shiny equipment.

But its members are lacking one thing. Motivation. People listlessly dragged their way from machine to machine like sloths in the sun. No eye contact, eerily quiet and extremely corporate. Perhaps it was just the Sunday vibe but I felt like I was in a gym full of zombies.

It got me thinking - all this time I thought I wanted a nice quiet posh gym, but now I realise that busy and simple gyms give you motivation to do your best. Why?

1. It creates competition between you and the next grunting gorilla about who can lift heavier weights (I always lose that one)
2. Makes you selfishly stay on that chest press a little longer - just because you know the person next in queue wants to use it too
3. There's no sauna or steam room to tempt you away from the gym early - "because you deserve it"

Just before I left, I spotted a sign that said 'look a million dollars without spending a penny'. Thanks Virgin Active Marketing Team, perhaps a new slogan for this blog!

Virgin Active are currently giving out free gym passes throughout March. 

FREE GYM #20 - A Gym for Masochists - Forest Hill

While on my way to rugby, I chanced upon a friendly high street gym 'Energie Fitness' by Forest Hill Station. What stayed with me most was the INSANITY workout videos blaring out on loop of every running machine. This high intensity fitness program (which basically means working out like a rabbit on speed for 60 days) shows pumped up ‘INSANITY’ converts shout out; “THIS ISN’T FOR EVERYBODY – BUT IF YOU’RE A MASOCHIST THEN JUST BRING IT” and features giant signs throughout saying “GET FIT OR GET OUT”.

You won't find me anywhere near this 'insane' regime, but it's evident that pain is popular. Their promotional video has over a million views on YouTube. Are you crazy enough for the INSANITY WORKOUT PROGRAM? I'm not.


Visit the Energie Fitness website for your one day free pass.

FREE GYM #19 - The home of the BEAST

This gym, situated in posh South Kensington is home to the nicest and most helpful receptionist I have ever encountered. She gave us a proper tour, happily accepted the free pass and most importantly, popped some free Lucozade energy sweets into our hands as we left. She even kindly explained the difference between a Fitness First 'Platinum' and 'Black' gym (information not readily available on the website) - the former having higher spec equipment. Thank you Bianca!

Menelek Waterton 'The Beast

They've packed a lot into this little gym. I went on a Sunday so would hate to see what it's like during peak hours. Don't be surprised if your knees are almost touching another guys elbow as you are doing your weights or if you have to wait a few seconds for a weight lifter to raise his arms before you can scuttle through to your next machine.

Please note the particularly hench man pictured on the left, who I refer to affectionately as 'THE BEAST' (whose name should always be capitalized to emphasize his size). After a few grunts and quiet snuffles, 'THE BEAST' would raise his weights and issue a blood curdling cry from his trunk like throat, much to the concern of everyone else in the room who paused to watch his noisy exhibition of strength.

While quietly getting on with my own exercise regime, I noticed a large shadow slowly descend over me. "Shit" I thought, I've taken 'THE BEAST'S' favourite bench press. But no, he only wanted to give me a few helpful pointers, becoming more BFG than 'BEAST'.

This time, I was also accompanied by my first 'co-free gym passer'. As we were leaving, happily chewing on our free Lucozade energy sweets she said "This free pass fitness idea - it's genius" to which I smiled in agreement."Thanks - it is". 

FREE GYM #18 - Gymbox - Covent Garden

Gymbox Covent Gardens is a sexy mix of cinema (imagine, giant glowing billboard, beckoning you in), Hollister (only extremely attractive model type people need apply as staff) and nightclub (there’s actually a DJ on at peak times between 6 and 8 blasting out the grooves from his booth above the treadmills – true story).

www.gymbox.co.uk

Don’t be fooled by the playful exterior (signs guarding the entrance to the sauna warn “No Chemicals, No Unsightly Towels, No Inflatable Dolphins”), or the PR (see image) this gym means serious business with row after row of gleaming gym and boxing equipment.

After striding purposely through a forest of punch bags, I strutted my way into the boxing ring dominating the main studio as the DJ, on cue, started to play ‘Can’t touch this’.  I felt good, professional even, until I realised I'd walked into ‘advanced Mai Thai’ class.

Sensing my fear, no one in the class volunteered to partner with me so a stocky girl was forced to spar with me by the instructor. She made me pay for this by beating the beshizzle out of me with ten sharp kicks to the left rib cage. As I winced in the most manly ways I know possible, she smiled a smile that said ‘You couldn't  bust a grape in a fruit fight’ and kicked me ten times more on the right rib cage. Thoroughly rattled, it was my turn. My revenge opportunity was short lived as the instructor, unimpressed with my weakling punches and kicks banished me out of the ring to train on my own. After ten minutes of one to one training, I was invited back in to show off my new found moves.

Everyone had gloves except for me. “Can I spar without gloves?” I asked timidly to the stocky girl. “No” she puffed in disgust, looking down at my gloveless hands as if I were naked at a children’s party. Told that I might find some gloves in one of the ringside lockers, I spied, deep in the darkest of corners, a smelly, damp pair of reject gloves, which squelched with sweat as I eased my hands in. Left hook, squelch, right jab squelch, upper cut squelch – great fun.

I came away from Gymbox with new skills - I now know Mai Thai is a lethal kicking and punching martial art - not a harmless cocktail; that one mustn’t bring dolphins into saunas; and damn it, it feels good to have your own DJ than a pair of tinny earphones.

                                                                             

If you like cinema, nightclubs, beating punch bags while pretending they’re people you hate and becoming buff like those topless models at Hollister  (and come on, who doesn’t) Gymbox is the gym for you!

Gymbox is currently offering free taster classes in any of its five London locations.

FREE GYM #17 - train like a soldier - snow joke you know

To be honest, due to the icy, snow covered park, I was half expecting ‘British Military Fitness’ at Peckham Rye Park to be called off.

Of course not, training goes on in all seasons, whatever the weather, three times a week like clockwork – that’s the military way. After a friendly greeting from the 30 trainees (or 'BMFiers'), Tom, a Territorial Army recruit trainer by day, fitness instructor by night, sorted us into basic, intermediate and advanced groups, and sent us on our way, puffing frostily into the air and stomping (sometimes ankle deep) through the snow.

Our obstacle course consisted of trees, hidden snow drifts and the odd snowman while the instructors, donned in camouflage, directed us through the rough terrain with a serious cardio programme of lunges, squats, burpies and sprint runs. For motivation, we were jokingly told to keep moving to ward off frostbite and hypothermia, but there was no chance of that, after a few runs we had all built up a healthy sweat, despite the zero degree temperatures.

Half way through the session my group suddenly found ourselves under fire from a flurry of snowballs. Yes, the intermediate and beginner group were at war and I became the first casualty, caught off guard by a small lady, gleefully launching a direct hit at my head.

Definitely a class I would pay for – as I much prefer exercising outside socially rather than alone in a tiny sweaty gym. Try it out- there’s no joiningfee this January, they're in parks all over London and they’re offering a full week free (use code: 'MSEJAN') - for those who dare brave the January cold. 

Plus - you can’t have a snow fight in a gym, so try it soon, even if it’s just for that.

FREE GYM #16 - Fitness First - Frying Pan Alley

This gym gets brownie points purely for being on 'Frying Pan Alley'. I'm sure there were many a guffaw at Fitness First HQ as they planned their new location. How funny would it be to make people think of fatty fry-ups while they worked out. 

This Fitness First feels brand spanking new, and slap bang in the middle of trendy Spitalfields, just off Petticoat Market.

After fighting my way through the cold, treacle like flow of January Spitalfield crowds, I was welcomed by the warm, spacious Fitness First interior, every wall festooned with full length mirrors helpfully placed for the vane to gaze at themselves while working out.

As I left the building, the receptionist serenely called out 'hope you had a good work out'. Well, I did thank you. Now where's that fry up...

Out of the frying pan - into the fire